What if I told you that guilt is a fact, not a feeling, and that understanding this changed my life? I don’t know when I was taught that guilt is a feeling, but that belief was one big misleading goose-chase into years of mind games and self-pity. I now understand the life-changing truth.
Guilt is not a feeling, guilt is a fact. Not only is guilt a fact, but when I accept my guilt, I am on the path to peace and when I deny it, I am on the path to suffering.
Here’s an example of how my life went when I thought guilt was a feeling. “I feel so guilty for cheating on him.” So, I did feel super guilty. But then, I remembered that he was a jerk to me, and then I didn’t feel so guilty. But then, I remembered how thoughtful he was sometimes, and then I felt guilty again. Then, I told one of my friends and she told me that she would have cheated on him too with everything that had been going on, and I felt less guilty again.
See how wild my conscience becomes with guilt as a feeling? I try to resolve the guilt with my thinking. And, what are my options for getting through it? I have to rationalize my way out of it, hope other people are willing to tell me that I don’t have to feel guilty, try to just forget about it, or perhaps just have a glass (or ten) of wine or take an edible to assist me in soothing it out and forgetting about it, at least temporarily.
My life changed with the understanding that I don’t feel guilty, I am guilty.
I am guilty or I am not guilty. That’s it.
When I am not guilty, I feel peace. When I am guilty, I feel shame, remorse, and regret. Moreover, when I try to deny the guilt instead of face it, I eventually end up in depression and despair on the one hand or anxiety and panic on the other, or perhaps, a mix of the two. Historically, I tried to change these conditions with rationalization as well as alcohol, drugs, food, workouts, and the like without realizing that denied guilt was the root cause.
Let’s say you are now convinced that guilt is a fact, you realize that you are feeling the effects of denial of guilt, but now what? First, identify the guilt. Sometimes the guilt is obvious, as in this case. I am guilty of cheating on whoever this is. Other obvious candidates are, I am guilty of dishonesty, or I am guilty of theft. But it isn’t so obvious all the time, and that doesn’t mean I am not guilty, it just means I need to dig a little deeper.
The examples are endless but here are a few of the most common. When I am upset with someone for how they behaved, I am usually guilty of judgment. When the feeling of anger doesn’t dissipate as fast as it came, I am usually guilty of resentment. When I believe I was treated unfairly, I am often guilty of pride. When I feel fearful, I am usually guilty of self-centeredness; the outcome I desire may not come to fruition. When I wish something about my life was different, I am often guilty of envy.
Alright, guilty as charged, now what? I realize I am guilty, but what do I do with this new found understanding? The real gift is that by accepting instead of denying that I am guilty and allowing Unconditional Forgiveness to enter my heart, I turn from a cheater into a Forgiven cheater. I turn from a judge, into a Forgiven judge. I turn from a thief, into a Forgiven thief.
The acid test of whether I have truly allowed this Forgiveness is not only whether I am at peace, but also whether I can love those who are guilty. When I am guilty, I have to separate from those who are guilty. “I can’t believe she cheated on him!” will come out of my mouth. When I am Forgiven, I instead have compassion for the guilty and am willing to show them that when they are truly ready for Forgiveness, it is always available to them, just as it was to me.
Forgiveness is always available, peace is always available, the ability to effortlessly love others is always available. It requires me to stop denying my guilt and seek Forgiveness. Until then, I get to stay separated, and hold on to all the shame, remorse, and regret that I want. But, when I accept Forgiveness, I have the capacity to love others, and I am at peace.
If you’re new here, I’m Dr. Lisa Stanton, and I want to welcome you to my writing home.
A bit about me: I write and teach about faith, recovery (not just from addiction, also mental health, physical illness, the need for control…just about anything), and the process of unlearning the things that keep us from peace.
My publication is called The Unlearning Gazette, and my emails are simple: stories, reflections, and reminders that God hasn’t gone anywhere, even when life feels heavy or confusing.
So, welcome, or hello, it’s great to see you again!